I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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