ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
