don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
