nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
