the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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