I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Two words: nipple clamps
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