I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
