his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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