isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
