after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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