this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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