Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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