It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
