dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
