I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
They took my balls.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
