So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
