He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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