i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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