my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
