Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well I just put wine in my tea
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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