i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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