if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
