I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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