Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
