i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
