I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
