That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
