He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
