he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
