new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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