in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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