I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just had sex on a roof
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
