Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
