I have demons in me.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
