Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
