I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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