I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
