I am spending my child support on dildos
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
