one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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