I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Please don't give away my fajitas
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
