I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
