In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
