I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
