someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
