I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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