i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
