I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
