John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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