I faked an abortion last night.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
