I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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