I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
