Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
